How To Talk To A Loved One Who Nears the End Of Life? Ruby Gramrow shares her experience as a hospice nurse with us

Have you ever thought about the moment when you’ll have to leave this world? All of us have our own journeys and challenges we need to face during our lives. What happens after that? Well, I guess we’ll never know.

Probably, harder than facing our own death is having to deal with the ones of our close friends and family members. How can you know what is right and what is wrong to say when someone you love is preparing to leave this world? Is it okay to say how upset you’ll be if you are going to lose them? Or is it better to focus on the good parts? Of course, if there are any good parts left…

Who is Ruby Gramlow?

Ruby Gramlow is a registered nurse with Hospice of the Red River Valley. The hospice was founded in 1981 on the belief that everyone deserves access to high-quality end-of-life care. Its mission is to provide medical, emotional, personal, and spiritual care. Hospice of the Red River Valley serves more than 40,000 square miles in North Dakota and Minnesota, offering availability via phone non-stop, even on weekends and holidays.

All the nurses gained a lot of experience working there because it’s not easy at all to face death multiple times. Listening to those heartbreaking conversations must be overwhelming, but they manage to handle everything! Are they real-life superheroes?

Ruby Gramlow shares with us her experience as a hospice nurse. She witnessed many of her patients’ last breaths. She’ll help us understand what is really going on between life and death, how long time takes the transition, and how we’re supposed to behave if someone loved by us is preparing to end the journey on Earth.

Ruby Gramlow says that many times when someone is surrounded by those they love and their last wishes are honored, they experience a great sense of peace when they pass. Our favorite nurse also says that this kind of death is beautiful to witness, which can sound strange when you first hear it. But, trust me, your perspective will change in just a few minutes if you keep reading.

Is there a main theme people opt for before dying?

It’s interesting to know that there are a lot of similarities, from family to family, in what people tend to talk about as they near the end of life. Gramlow says that even though not all the conversations sound the same, they have a lot of things in common. For example, the most repeated theme is the gift of life and acknowledging how precious life can be.

Do we really have time?

Not at all. We always believe that we have more time. We postpone a lot of activities and meetings, being ”sure” that they should take place at different times. We like to play with the concept, thinking that we are in complete control of it. But, in reality, we never have enough time. We are risking a lot when we are choosing how to spend our precious moments.

How does a terminal diagnosis impact a human’s life?

A terminal diagnosis changes everything, including our way of thinking. Just imagine hearing that your time is almost over and you have no idea what comes next. How would you react? Would you go crazy? Or would you do everything that you possibly can to achieve your last goals?

How should you talk to someone who is going to die really soon?

There are several meaningful ways for you to interact with the person who is dying. A sense of peace in an uncertain time can be obtained by the exchanges both you and your loved one feel. Here are 5 conversations you should have when a loved one nears the end of life, according to Ruby Gramlow:

1. Ask your loved one what he or she would like to accomplish. Some people have a last goal they want to achieve before dying. Make sure you help your loved one accomplish any remaining wishes. It will also make you feel really good.

2. Resolve conflicts. Resolve any conflicts you ever had and discuss subjects you always avoided. You’ll both feel significantly better. Conflicts become small and insignificant when a life-or-death problem shows up unexpectedly. However, they can weigh heavily on someone’s mind, causing regret, guilt, or sadness.

The way a person’s life is remembered can be shaped by unresolved conflicts. By resolving them, the person dying can leave behind positive memories and a legacy of love and understanding

3. Find a meaning for the dying person’s life. Talking about good times and meaningful experiences helps them feel connected and valued. Ask them about what made them proud in life and what were their favorite moments. This way, you can celebrate their life together.

4. Ask your loved one how often they want to be with people. Understanding what they want in their final days ensures their wishes are respected. You should gently ask about their preferences for medical care, where they want to spend their funeral or memorial service. Also, ask them if they want to spend time with friends and family on their last days or prefer to be alone. This is a hard conversation, but it’s important.

5. Find out what is important. Is the person feeling any pain?

What does the dying person feel? Discuss pain management and the different types of pain. We tend to focus on the physical pain, but most of the time the worst one is spiritual or emotional pain. Even though is hard to have such a conversation, is necessary to ask if the person wants to be hospitalized and pursue aggressive treatments or if they are ready to focus on the quality of life through hospice care. The dying person’s wishes are the most important, also make sure you help them complete an advance directive that will document their wishes and preferences. If they become unable to speak for themselves, the remaining friends and family should know exactly what they want.

We usually tend to get scared just thinking about the transition between life and death. It represents the end of a journey and the beginning of a challenge of understanding the unknown. If you want to better understand what will happen just minutes before you die, we recommend you read the book: The In-Between: Unforgettable Encounters During Life’s Final Moments. TikTok star, Hadley Vlahos, shares moving stories of her patients. It’s a New York Times Bestseller and talks about death and dying, which are considered taboo, even in the medical field.

The book is written with profound insight and humility and it shows how caring for others contributes a lot course of things.

Before leaving, make sure to check out another related article. It can be also found on our website, Retired in USA. We usually think about the best cities for retirement, but what about the WORST ones? The place we live in contributes A LOT to the way we feel and our overall wellbeing. So, here are the 12 Worst U. S. Cities to Retire in 2024 (and Why). 

Kim